As I sit...

As I sit and listen to this Jill Scott CD, I realize more and more, that my heart is truly reflecting the light of the sun. I am understanding more and more that this thing here, that I have been feeling, is more than you can imagine. The emotion described to you by our mutual friend could never even begin to scratch the surface of how I feel. I carry a part of you with me everyday. When I try to escape it, it's there. When I try to walk away, you grab my hand. When I feel like I am finally getting you off my mind, you text or call. 


Can I escape this thing that you don't describe or even recognize as chemistry, fate or dare I say "love"? I never knew this type of emotion that would carry me from day to day, without my feet ever touching the ground. It amazes me as to how, no one compares to you, even when I am not comparing!   For this I thank you, because a part of me is growing up and recognizing that every man is not be examined and every emotion felt is not to be explored. But, why can't I let you go?


I know, it's because subconsciously you play the strings in my mind, like BB King plays "Lucille". Each tug and pull, just makes me feel like I must be there for you, protect your heart from another woman's hurt and even be that strong friend that you need to help you reason. But where is the satisfaction and care for SEANDRA?? She gets nothing from this deal, but open wounds that cannot truly heal. I have analyzed, as I sit, that my wounds are closing. I feel a little stronger everyday, just by the little things that make me see, that I have to do what I have to do to make me satisfied and loved. So if it hurts you, then let it hurt you. The pain from closing this wound, will end with a well worn scar. One that is never to be opened again, but making room for another battle.


As I sit... (more to come)

LOST BEHIND HURT

Its weird how we are so mad and angry and out of touch with ourselves, when we break up with someone or lose a love we thought was OURS. But have we ever really realized that everything we went through was BEAUTIFUL!! It makes us understand that the person you were with served their purpose for the time they were suppose to be in your life. Now, it is time for you to gather your belongings, your thoughts, and your good sense and MOVE ON!! When you awake from it, it will be BEAUTIFUL!


You will embark on a new day, to start a new chapter and time that you must make sure is different from the last. Because you are not the same, you are change, so make changes. No one thing that we do in a new relationship should be the same, so if it is, you didn't WAKE UP. You are sleeping in a dream that may never ends. Endless abyss of male bashing, hating, cheating and ultimate sexual gratification with a SLAB, and not a MAN!!


So develop your spirit of discernment to understand that NO ONE is the same, and determine who should go and who should stay. You don't want to be compared, so change. When you AWAKE everything will be BEAUTIFUL!!

FOR THE GOOD MEN & GOOD WOMEN ONLY!

When I titled this for Good Men and Good Women Only, I didn't mean for those of you that "think" you are a good man or a good woman. It is for those that others compliment and commend for being that stand up man or that courageous woman. I can "think" I am a thin and when I try to put on a size 2, it doesn't fit. You feel what I am saying?


Ok now, that all this is out the way let me address you all individually because every good man and woman deserves their individual time in the sun.


GOOD WOMEN THIS IS FOR YOU!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself!!! There is a man that has been designed to love you, just for you!! I know you are like, "ok girl, but what if I don't never meet him?" Then guess what ma'am, you were not waiting for him, you went out looking for him. The bible declares, A MAN that findeth a WOMAN... so you do the math. Now does that change your good woman status?? Now, in my opinion, like I said MY OPINION (you know they are like assholes and everybody got one), if you cannot cook, make time for your man and take care of him, be subservient (yes and I mean that, according to the bible standards), be a WOMAN first, and let him be the MAN in the relationship- then Miss Ma'am, YOU ARE NOT A GOOD WOMAN. I have had friends in the past scream, cry and complain about there are no GOOD MEN and why can't I find a good man and blah to the blah to the blah. But, here is the catcher, what was she doing to be a good woman, for a good man-NOTHING AT ALL! She was a complainer, who couldn't cook, clean or satisfy the oral needs of a man, if her life depended on it! But you want a GOOD MAN?? STFU and KYS, please my sister.


Ladies, get your house in order, so that when the good man walks into your life you don't run him away. Be open to love, learn new things and become more adventurous if need be. Let him take the lead, but don't lose site of who you are and WHOSE you are. BOTTOM LINE- A man that doesn't love God and his mother, can never love me!!!


GOOD MEN THIS IS FOR YOU!
Brother, brother, brother there's far to many of you dying! LOL! Ok, but seriously let's exam who you are as a man. You are the lover, nurturer and supporter of women. Eventhough we tell the lie that we can live without you, we can't. You must be the man that is honest (even if you cheat or think about cheating- because we accept it better than the lie), you must understand that every GIRL you talk to or date IS NOT A WOMAN!! She may talk crap, treat you like crap and tell you she don't do this and ain't (yes ain't) gonna do that- you already know if you are a GOOD MAN, you are dealing with a little girl. Just like all good men, you were not created and built overnight, so why expect a woman to be the same way?? If you insist on dating, MISS oh she bad and damn look at her body, or just "love" struck by the sheer look- YOU WILL NEVER FIND YOUR GOOD WOMAN!! You must get to know who she is, learn her, be able to predict her moves- as she will with you- and just all around understand who she is. The bible describes her as the VIRTUOUS WOMAN- but understand that as that, she comes with a past. If you cannot accept it, then you may not be a GOOD MAN after all, and still need to grow my brother.


Brothers, get your house in order as well!!! Learn that NO TWO WOMEN are alike and we all have particular needs that must be attended to. Treat your Queen as a queen, and stop trying to wife a Princess, before her time to reign has come.


Ladies and gentlemen these opinions expressed here are just from personal experience and guidance of a great best friend (male) who opened my eyes to so much about myself and men in general. Do what you all need to do to find that GOOD WOMAN AND MAN! Be patient and remain true to yourself! Love yall, mean it here!! *in my Paula Dean voice* 

Complicated Love Songs

I used to do it for the love a long time ago 

And all I ever wanted was love 

I used to love without fear a long time ago 

And all I ever wanted was love 

But you tried to make me feel like I was unworthy 

Took a pure love and tried to make it dirty 

Truth was you never did deserve me

I'll close my eyes

Then I won't see

The love you don't feel

When you're holding me

Morning will come

And I'll do what's right

Just give me till then

To give up this fight

Because I can't make you love me

If you don't

You can't make your heart feel

Something it won't

Here in the dark

In these final hours

I will lay down my heart and you feel the power if you want,

but you won't

I had a paralyzing fear of facing failure 

And I couldn't love you perfectly with that fear in my head 

So I perilously had to face the danger 

So I could come back and love you whole instead 

I tried to lose myself

So I could love you better 

had to lose myself so I could 

Make it better 

Lose myself in love 

And that's just the way it was

I leave my love in your hands 

My love, my soul 

I leave my broken heart in your hands 

So won’t you save me 

My love I leave it in your hands

How am I suppose to deal when pain is all I feel this is all to real 

I'll get out your way, I don't wanna stay 

I thought I could be strong

I'm suppose to be the one for you & your my number one 

Until your my forever, I guess we’re done!

More than I can say...

There is so much that I want to share!! Sometimes people that don't really know me may consider me to be somewhat emotionless. But here it is.. When you think about it, somewhere in your heart, you find a gap or a void. I have that void and also have in mind the person that I want in that gap. BUT I have to keep reminding myself that "GOD's WILL IS SUFFICIENT". I wanted this note to be an encouragement to those who think they know what they want and need in life. When I love, I love HARD!!!! I mean I give it my ALL!! But where are you left when your all is NOT ENOUGH??? You feel like you are back to square one with no view of CLOSURE in sight. SOOOO, in our human nature, we turn to false feelings (random sex) with people trying to compensate the hurt!! 


BUT GUESS WHAT??? You still end up feeling the same way you did when you went in... NOTHING CHANGES!! But I have come to realize that I did this for YEARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! Compensating what I had in my heart with sexual gratification. (HEY I AM OPEN AND WILLING TO BE TRANSPARENT TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE) But NOW, THE TABLES ARE TURNING ON ME!! I have to make a rational decision about LOVE!! And knowing that there are three types of LOVE, we tend to confuse them all. 


EROS, that is that SEXUAL LOVE, that we use to make US FEEL GOOD!! PHILOS, that is that BROTHERLY LOVE, that I have for my peoples and my friends. BUT THAT AGAPE, which is that GODLY LOVE, that does not change when we are angry, sad, depressed or even just damn disgusted!!! THAT IS THE LOVE THAT YOU BUILD RELATIONSHIPS ON!!!!!!!!! 


Despite if she is FINE, or he is DOUGIE, or whatever!!! Build your love on someone who has you interests at heart. Who don't mind going out of their way for you, speading time with you, caring for you, taking care of you, cooking for you, or even laying down someone else for you!! I just want the LOVE that I have always given, RETURNED TO ME!!! I only realized that once I started loving ME and taking care of ME, did this happen!!! AND GUESS WHAT YALL???? I am READY TO LOVE AGAIN!! 


This time, its going to be different!!! 


More than I can TRULY say...

Happy Father's Day

When we were preparing for the pageants I came across the perfect question: In what role does a man add the most into your life; as a father, as a son, or as a mate. I said this is the best question, but have we ever analyzed the answer?? AS A FATHER you add the most to your daughter's life HANDS DOWN!!! As a father you set the precedent for what she is has to remember to teach her son and how a mate should treat her. MEN IT ALL STARTS WITH YOU!!! 


I never had an active father in my life that gave the advice and told what games to watch that boys play, or even just to be there for a lonely day, when only DADDY would understand. I was however to have some very IMPORTANT men in my life that gave me wisdom and insight, despite his close absence. I want to encourage all of my MALE FRIENDS that are FATHERS, SOON TO BE FATHERS and FUTURE FATHERS to please cherish your daughters. NOT TO EXCLUDE YOUR SON'S BECAUSE THEY NEED YOU TOO!! But teach your daughter that she is a queen and does not have to accept a man that has less standards than you in her life. I truly believe that this has attributed to alot of heartbreak that we as women face in our lives. WE CHOOSE THE MEN THAT REMIND US OF DAD!! 


Whether good, bad or ugly; despite the postive male influence, we always choose them. I choose men to love that I find never really have my interest at heart or hide their emotions for me. This is the same thing that my dad did. Until I was 25, his wife never knew I even existed. He has always lived less than 3 minutes away from me and from birth until now, I can count on a calendar how many days I really remember him being around. BUTTTTT I thank GOD for Carolyn Lockhart (mother), John H. Taylor (godfather), Lejuane Wheeler (best friend since 16), Daniel Wilcox & William Lockhart (uncles) for just being the people in my life that helped me to change my perception and know that things can & will be better!! All these men have taught me in one way or the other to be the lady that I am to PEOPLE regardless of the outcome. I thank them for that. Now I am working with God to prepare my heart for someone whose heart is as big as mine. He is re-constructing my visioin and mind-set in order to prepare for this. It has taken a LONG TIME, but I believe will be well worth the wait!

Just Starting!

I have been struggling with the idea about actually blogging and I thought about it, I have A LOT to say!! I never really speak loudly when it's something that is close to my heart. I usually let things play themselves out or just pray about it. Well today is the day, that I say what I feel and let the words from my heart, flow and cleanse my soul and definitely reach someone else.


I thank all my ohhhh so sweet sorors that have started me with this interest, as well as my KNIGHT in shining armor that encourages me to write. THANKS to YOU all!! Now get ready for this ride! May be ROUGH, but hey I like it that way! ;-)