I cannot even begin to explain what it is I have been feeling lately. I have taken all the emotion that I could muster and tried to care, but as soon as I try to, BOOM- the bomb hits and I am back at square one. I am earnestly and truthfully attempting not to turn my heart off, but day by day, the red in it is becoming less visible. The thing that gets me is that I DO NOT CLASSIFY MEN AS ALL THE SAME!! I give benefit and credit where it is due, never take past hurt into present situations, but yet and still wind up with this blood on the outside of my shirt, soaking and dripping, in the spot that my heart once lived.
I ask myself over and over again, when does ENOUGH BECOME ENOUGH?? When will I truly just give up and say the hell with it and just progress my career and my life ALONE? I have come to the conclusion that I may live alone for the rest of my life. Also with the idea that the family that I wanted to have, may never be a reality. Coming to grips with this has been the hardest thing that I have had to do, to date. I am determined not to live in a fantasy where it all can magically happen, but I don't doubt God's promises. The worse feeling in the world is when the reality of a situation crashes down on your chest like an elephant and you weren't ready for the hit.
I cannot even understand if my heart is cold or broken, but I am tired of seeing blood each time I care. When the blood pumps a smile or concern across my face, I start seeing the blood. I tried using bandages of consideration, tape of love and stitches of hope. But to no avail, I continue to bleed. Soon the wounds won't close at all, which is my fear. Enough is ENOUGH!
