Why can't I...

So many hurt feelings,
why can't I let it go
I really can't believe I let this happen,
why can't I let it go.
My mind travels back to a time, when I thought everything was fine,
why can't I let it go.

I can let go of the hurt,
the pain, the confusion,
the embarrassment, the loss,
the guilt of not knowing better,
but it just doesn't seem to let me go.

There is always a trigger,
lighter touch than a semi-automatic
and rounds of pain shoot off again.
A wound that is still open, after a year.
But I am learning how it has to let me go.

How I need to free myself,
How I need to be myself,
not feeling the guilt of how you lied,
the heat of how I cried.

It will let me go,
but why can't I...

Learning how to survive!

Can we just talk for a minute? Great! Listen, I have been graffling with the concept that sometimes we let the cumbersomeness of life CONSUME US. I am tired of letting defeatest attitudes and negativity run more rampade than the HIV virus in our communities and we do NOTHING about it. From this day forward, we all need to make a vow to only do and participate in the things that make us HAPPY!!

When does enough become ENOUGH???

I cannot even begin to explain what it is I have been feeling lately. I have taken all the emotion that I could muster and tried to care, but as soon as I try to, BOOM- the bomb hits and I am back at square one. I am earnestly and truthfully attempting not to turn my heart off, but day by day, the red in it is becoming less visible. The thing that gets me is that I DO NOT CLASSIFY MEN AS ALL THE SAME!!  I give benefit and credit where it is due, never take past hurt into present situations, but yet and still wind up with this blood on the outside of my shirt, soaking and dripping, in the spot that my heart once lived.

I ask myself over and over again, when does ENOUGH BECOME ENOUGH?? When will I truly just give up and say the hell with it and just progress my career and my life ALONE? I have come to the conclusion that I may live alone for the rest of my life. Also with the idea that the family that I wanted to have, may never be a reality. Coming to grips with this has been the hardest thing that I have had to do, to date. I am determined not to live in a fantasy where it all can magically happen, but I don't doubt God's promises. The worse feeling in the world is when the reality of a situation crashes down on your chest like an elephant and you weren't ready for the hit.

I cannot even understand if my heart is cold or broken, but I am tired of seeing blood each time I care. When the blood pumps a smile or concern across my face, I start seeing the blood. I tried using bandages of consideration, tape of love and stitches of hope. But to no avail, I continue to bleed. Soon the wounds won't close at all, which is my fear. Enough is ENOUGH!

This one just may be...

I have sat and thought, contemplated and pondered this one question: Is this one, the ONE? Not sure what the one looks like, smells like or even feels like. I just know that the one is showing me the heart that God has given him for ministry, the love he shows for family and the maturity he possesses as a man. He is a man after God's own heart, which is what connected my heart to his. The kinds words and thoughts we exchange, supersede the outer appearance and look far beyond the realm of time. We always share great laughs and serious debate about the issues that life sets ahead of us.

Now, you may ask, why do you THINK that he is the one? My honest response, is I HAVE NO IDEA!!! I always thought that when you wake with a person on your mind and in your prayers, and the last thing you smile about before you close your eyes, would be the person to sit in the reigns of being the ONE! But, with this mixed up files that we call life, things are not always as they appear. What if the ONE thinks they have found the ONE and the ONE is NOT YOU??

This one just may NOT be...

Did you miss me?

I have not posted a blog in a long time. I guess I was so wrapped up in the pain and hurt that life was sending my way at the time, that I let go of my outlet.. I curled up, locked up and pressed away from the world. Now, I am back and loving the new outlook I have on life. It's not always a PERFECT road, but it's my road. I have to travel this path the God has laid for me or his greater purpose of kingdom building will not be served. I am better than great!! From here, the BLOGS WILL CHANGE BECAUSE THE WRITER HAS.

Sincerely,

Quietly Stormy

As I think... (Continuation of As I sit)

I have taken more time than I wanted to and actually sat and thought about you. I have thought, cried and contemplated just why I can't let you go. Its not because of distance or space, nor time to heal. Its because you won't let me go. You feel that as long as you hold on to me, that you will never be lonely, or feel rejected when relationships fail. That's why you never talked about the "hers" in your life with me. But why are you so scared to let go and try?? I tell you why, you seek acceptance from people, places and things that don't matter. You chose social norms to benefit you and the decisions you make, you even look for acceptance from children, whose only opinion is that you love someone else.

* I started this piece over a year ago and I am glad to say that I have let go and so has this feeling. People change and the changes are not always good, but this one was. Greater is forward.*

Everyone Shares Jealousy---

How and where should I begin... You always said you wanted someone to treat you like a king and in return you would treat her as a queen, love and cherish her. So how come you cherish and love the women who always leave you wounded and heartbroken. I guess my motivation I give to you, my love for you and my concern and consideration for you means less than I knew. A small part of my heart dies EACH DAY, that I see you. Knowing that we have been friends, shared intimate times, special moments, times when we've cried, times when we've laughed and realizing that you are the ONE that makes me SMILE and you don't feel the same. A PART of me DIES... I have tried to move on, meet new people and want to just get you off my mind...

Let's start from the beginning, we met, we had fun!! Got to know more about each other. You listened to people who hated on me to you and called themselves "sister", "brother" or "friend" to me. You may not have believed, but you damn sure listened. But it didn't seem to change our friendship we were growing much. Then I began to see who you really were, a sweet, caring and loving man that only wanted the same returned to him. Fearful of trying the "un-average" --because of this fear, it shut your eyes, your ears and thoughts to something that could have been magical. But one thing that never closed, was YOUR HEART!! It still beats with fun and excitement when we are together, I know it does because my heart does as well. But because of our place in life right now, WE CAN'T! I don't understand, I never will and won't try!

I feel as if I have lived a life of constant ridicule in one area or another, and the one thing that I always wanted to remain constant was the people in life that I love. This whole blog is not developing the way I wanted it too because I realized the other day, after trying to pour my heart into this that one thing will remain true and its simple, YOU LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME... Something that I never did when it came to you, but I am going to start doing that. One-side of the game makes me understand that I can't change yesterday, but can strive to keep tomorrow in tact...

MORE TO COME!!